Stupid Hope July 10, 2008

Hope has always been the driving force that has kept me going on this journey even with all the failures/disappointments.  But sometimes it has made this journey that much more disappointing and painful for me as well.  I must be just stupid to actually believe that some how some day, this will actually happen to me. I can’t wrap my head around that concept anymore or believe it can actually happen to me.

This week was one of those cruel weeks where I let myself wander. I’m on day 41 today on my cycle.  Its never ever been that late, even if I’ve had some longer cycles.  I’m usually about 30 to 32 and longest about 37.  I figured AF was making its appearance sometime this week but by day 40 and day 41, I started to wonder where AF is?  And for a brief second I let myself think about the impossible?  Could I actually have gotten pregnant after all these years?  Than I would talk myself down and tell myself, that is impossible the chances are probably one in a millionth percent.  And every day, I’d check the TP and when there was nothing & hope again would creep in.  When I first woke up this morning, there was nothing again and for a brief moment, I wondered again?  Than reality set it and I I told myself “you are stupid to even believe something like that can happen to me”.

Well I went to the bathroom again and YUP I’m spotting now.  I always spot before I get my Af so now I know its on its way.   It was a reminder to me that its coming.  Another reminder to me how infertile I really am and how I am not like everyone else in this world.  And I’m so mad at myself to even allow myself to go there.  STUPID STUPID ME.   All my failures should have beaten hope out of me by now, and why do I let myself even believe.  

Than I opened my email this morning and the first email I see is…… YUP, another email with a announcement of the arrival of their baby girl from a friend that has hurt me in the past.  Friend #1 in this post:

http://wishingitwouldgeteasier.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/am-i-being-too-sensitive/

And yes in the email, it said pictures are on its way.  Life is so cruel sometimes.  I’m reminded daily again of my unfortunate infertility while everyone else in the world has it so much easier and receives the greatest miracle in life that I have dreamnt and wanted for as long as I can remember.   And even though I know this has nothing to do with me, it still hurts and I hate how unfair life can be.

Trying to find a life besides infertility July 3, 2008

I don’t know if anyone is reading this blog anymore.  I’ve been so absent, I don’t blame you if you’ve all given up on me.  I still lurk on your blogs from time to time to see how are you all doing.  But I’m not constantly on my blog or reading the way I used to.   I just can’t right now because I’m in a better place.  I have finally started to find some peace in my life and I’m not in a rush to get to my next treatment or to become a mom.  And the odd times, I do get on, its a little depressing when I see my blog list (and I updated it recently) and to see how many have gotten to their other side and on their way.  You have all moved on and I’m still here after 5 1/2 years later.  Not only am I constantly left behind in blog world, I am in my real life as well. I just found out another couple who’ve been trying for just over year is pregnant.  They were an older couple who thought they were going to take longer and well it didn’t.  It happened for them.  And I have to admit, it hurt.  It didn’t devastate the way it used but it made me sad how unfair life is and how envious I am still how most people have it so so much easier than me. 

So my heart is a little broken right now.  I feel sad and I can’t get rid of that achey feeling.  And I hate reminders when I was doing so well.  I think I’m very good at puting hurtful painful memories to the side.  I want a life besides infertility. I want to find myself and find happiness again and sometimes I just want to forget about all I went through.  But I do realize I still have deep deep wounds and I sometimes wonder if they will ever heal.  Maybe I will always grieve and it will just get easier to deal with.   I know its not healthy to completely put these feelings aside and I have to realize it is a part of me and always will be.  I need to confront them and deal with them.  Ignoring them and pushing them aside seems like the easier route sometimes.  Why would I want to deal with this pain??  But I realized that this is therapeutic still and I still need a place to vent. I still need a safe place to write my feelings and get them out so I can work through all my crap.  But at the same time, its nice to have a break from it.  Its nice to have a life without thinking or having infertility in my face.  

For the longest time, my life has been filled with infertility crap.  We started trying so long ago that sometimes I can’t remember my life without thinking about babies.  I was just so determined to get pregnant.  I just wanted to get to the next treatment or the next option and even in between my breaks, I was planning what my next step will be.  I just had to find a way to cure my infertility and finally get to the other side.   I had so much hope that I was on mission not to ever give up until I got there. And in my heart, I truly believed I would some how some day.  I wanted it so badly that I was willing to do anything to reach my dreams.  I’ve always been someone who went after what I wanted.  And this was one thing that I knew without a doubt in my soul is what I wanted.  So there is nothing I have worked so hard for and tried so hard and given my all for.   I truly did give it my all and its sad to realize that I’m still here in the same place.  I managed to always find strength when I thought I had none left and  I managed to find a way to pick myself up and to keep moving on when I didn’t think I could.  And somehow I always found hope to keep me going.  But what good is all of that when you are still left here standing feeling like a complete failure because everything you have tried has failed on you?  I don’t think I ever really learnt to let it go?  And it became my number one and only goal in life which now looking back in  hindsight I see the damage it has done to me and my marriage?   I made a lot of mistakes and it consumed me; and I know there are things I could have done differently if I knew the outcome.  But I don’t think you can tell a woman determined to be a mother to let go or to stop trying or to do this.  Sadly there is no right answer and sometimes determination is what brings someone to their dream and sometimes its what ends up destroying them.  And sadly you don’t know that until you reach the end.  I know no one could have stopped me from trying to get I wanted.  I know friends were worried what the treatments could do to me and how engrossed I was in the process.  I did lose myself and I came out of it not even recognizing myself anymore.  All the failures did destroy me inside and left me broken in pieces.  I honstely feel like because I had so much hope and I had so much determination, it ended up working against me and left me so lost.   I was truly broken and its now that I’m slowly healing, I realized how broken I really was.

I see now how deseprate I wanted to be a mom.  When our donor failed and our marriage fell apart, we took a huge break.  Probably the longest break since I started treatments.  But there was something inside me that I wanted nothing more to repair our marriage so I can try again.  I mean that wasn’t the only reason but I know there was a part of me (which I probably didn’t admit to myself than) but I wanted to mend things quickly so I can move on and be a mom.  I remember when we did our FET in April of this year, there was something inside me that knows it wasn’t the right time.  We had too much going on this year (which I’ve shared in many of my pass word protected posts) and our marriage wasn’t quite ready.   I didn’t know it than but I felt it.  My heart and head were telling me one thing but something in my gut was telling me another.   It felt wrong but at the same time, I had to do it.  I can’t explain what I was feeling.  I felt helpless and I just had to move on.  I just wanted to move on so desparately.  And maybe it was because I just wanted to move on from all the ugliness.  Maybe it was my one hope and if it worked, I could finally move on and put the past behind.  I know its probably not the wisest thing but I think I was just so desperate to heal and move on with our lives and that felt like the only step that could.    I remember feeling like I just couldn’t wait (even when Dh suggested it) and I pushed to do one with DH.  I know I did and if it wasn’t for me, we probably wouldn’t have gone through with it.  And when it failed and than I got extremely sick and weak, I realized how big of mistake it was.  It was the one cycle where I know it was a mistake.  It just wasn’t the right time and the one I do regret.  I have so much on my plate right now honestly I can’t imagine dealing with anything more in my life.  And I’m really really glad we aren’t worrying about infertility, or children or a pregnancy.   I feel at peace with where we are and I know for certain that we aren’t meant to be parents right now.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to and it doesn’t mean I don’t get sad about people getting pregnant or that I’m not still hurting from it. It just means I know right now in my life, I have all that I can handle.  And this time I’m willing to wait for the right time.  The right time for both Dh and I (and what is best for our marriage and not just what I want).  I’m willing to wait for us to settle down and get things out of the way.   And I’m ok with waiting. 

Its strange how often you can’t describe what you are going through or don’t know yourself until you look back at things in hindsight.  Maybe because for the first time in a long time, I’m slowly seeing parts my old self.  The one that smiled and laughed and had a life besides infertility.  I’m finding moments where I am happy and I’m ok not being a mom yet.  And things seem more clear to me.  Before it was just this jumbled mess of pain. And now I’m slowly making sense of some of it and the way I was behaving and feeling.  And I don’t want to get there anymore. I really don’t.  I don’t want to ever feel that broken and I hope I can find a balance. I hope I can put our marriage and other things in our life and our happiness just as much of a priority as starting a family. 

Dh and I are slowly finding each other before our infertility crap.  And its nice.  We talk so much about us and what we want and I realized why I married Dh and why we fell in love.  Infertility messed us up that we both forgot what is important in life.  Its only when you look back and see things in a different light, you realize how much infertility took over my life and my soul.   It was this cloud of dark pain that just covered our life.  And no matter how hard we tried and even though there were moments I could escape and forget like when we went traveling, it was always there.  And now I feel like slowly some of the cloud is lifting away and for the first time I can see things a lot more clearly.  

Dh and I are talking about maybe even waiting to do our next FET in October or November of this year.  We are most likely  moving into a our new house early next year and ideally it would probably be best once we’ve moved in and settled.  But that won’t be until February or March and I know that is too far for me.   I thought we would move on and do one in August or September but October or November feels like a good compromise and I feel at peace with it. I know if this next one fails, DH and I are starting the adoption process.  And why I don’t want to hold off doing another FET for too long.  I think we are going to be more aggressive as well and put in at least 3.  But we’ll see.  When it comes closer to the time, we’ll know.  So nothing is set in stone. We will see where our lives are and assess everything than and make the right decision for us.

Protected: Why does it still hurt so much? June 10, 2008

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I’m still here and slowly moving forward May 21, 2008

I realize that I haven’t been posting much.  I have several reasons. 

1)  Work has been a bit busier and it was the long weekend here and I’m going away this weekend and I will be away until Tuesday so I haven’t had much free time.  2) My computer at work has been acting up.  It keeps freezing on me when I’m on the Internet and it just does it randomly.  Before it was only on sites that had a lot of links but now its doing it all the time.  So its really testing my patience that I just don’t want to bother getting on the Internet some days.  3) I usually have a lot to say but lately I’ve been just a loss of words.  When I do get a chance I have been catching up and reading your blogs but my mind goes blank and so I haven’t been commenting much.  4) I’ve been trying to take a break from infertility and find joy in my life.  I’ve been concentrating on Dh and I and other things that are going on with my life. And honestly some days, it feels good.  I’m determined to find myself again.  And some days It does feel good to not be bombarded with infertility thoughts and sometimes I need a break from getting on here and reading about infertility. 

Some days I still feel really defeated and other days I feel stronger and feel like I can keep doing more FETS and hope that maybe some how it will finally work for me.  But most of the time I actually feel defeated more.  I’m slowly starting to accept I may never get to experience pregnancy and its just not in my cards.  I’m coming to terms with the fact those frozen embies I have left may not work on me at all and its a reality for me. Letting go of my own eggs was hard and now letting go of the idea of pregnancy is harder.  I just didn’t think life could so cruel sometimes and I was so sure the egg donor was the answer for me but it obviously wasn’t.  I want to believe and I want to keep fighting but to be honest, I’m so exhausted of this whole process.  I’m so tired of hoping and going through drugs and transfers and 2wws and beta’s to only get the same result.  I feel like I’m everywhere because some days I do feel motivated but I think its just my desire that is pushing me to feel this way.   Dh and I have still talked about doing another FET in September but I honestly don’t believe its going to work anymore.  And I’m finally ready to accept that.  It was such a long hard painful road to get to this point.  But once I started to accept that, its when my heart opened up to adoption.  It took me along time to get here.  It doesn’t take away the fact that it still hurts.  I’m still surrounded by people who are pregnant and it doesn’t get any easier.  And my longing to be pregnant hasn’t diminished but my longing to be a mom is whats more important and I’m just ready to be a mom.

So Dh and I have seriously started looking into the adoption process and have been talking about it.  And Dh is ready to explore the idea for us.  He said he’s not ready to make a decision and start the application yet but honestly either am I.  But we are ready to consider this as an option for us and that is a huge step for us.  So I’ve contacted two agencies.  We have a meeting next week with one of the coordinators of the program we are looking at. And another agency has a one day seminar for those interested which is a prerequisite to starting the adoption process and the next one is in middle of June.  So I think we are going to attend and see which agency we want to go with and see when we are ready to start the application.  So we are slowly moving forward.

Dh has also turned a new leaf recently. I notice a change him and the old DH back.  He’s much more positive and he’s been saying to me a lot lately, “we are going to be ok!!”  And I smile and tell him, ofcourse we are.   He tells me that if we can survive all that we did these past few years, there is nothing we can’t conquer together.  It still amazes me how far we’ve come in such a short time.  It was only six months ago, I was unsure of us and felt like I was barely together.  But our persistence and commitment to each other has carried us through our toughest times and we both feel happier and positive within our marriage.  And I’m very proud of us and that is the one thing that keeps me going these days.  Infertility really knocked me down but without DH and our marriage, I couldn’t hang on anymore.  And now I have a something that is holding me together and maybe why I feel a renewed sense of strength to move forward.  If our FET does work (some sort of miracle), Dh and I will be more than happy to have a baby that way and to have an adopted child… and if it doesn’t work than at least we know we will be parents through adoption. 

 

I still have some fight left!! May 8, 2008

I spoke to my Dr. yesterday.  She finally called after my failed cycle and she couldn’t really give me a whole lot of information why this one failed.  She did give me the facts that out of 26 eggs 20 fertilized so that means her egg quality is good and fertilization wasn’t an issue.  And all the embyro’s we do have are good quality.  The last two even made the thaw so we still have 9 embies left.  One is a blastocyst (6 day) which I don’t know why they did not put that in for me this time.  She said my lining was good, my levels were good…. everything was perfect and there is nothing she would change.   We’ve done all the blood work and everything came out negative on any auto immune disorders and nothing shows on my ultrasounds that are unsual, I have a clear uterus (no fibroids or cysts) and my transfers are always really easy.  She did say sometimes when the transfers are difficult, it can diminish the chances.  So there is nothing medically or scientifically showing why I keep getting failures and she can understand my frustrations.  But the Dr. did say some embyro’s look great on day 3 but they can be chromosomely abnormal even with young eggs and that all she can do is for us to keep trying and hope that at least one or two of the ones we have left will be the successful one.  She did suggest for me to put in three next time, which I think we will do.  So I’ve decided to try three more times and put in three every time.  And I’m done.  I know I can’t ask my sister to do another cycle (I think someone suggested this).  I just can’t.  She’s done enough for me that I could never ask her to go through what she did again for me.  Plus she’s getting married and I think she will be thinking of having her own kids soon.  She’s still the sweetest sister though.  She said if I needed a surrogate, she’d do it for me (even with her own eggs).  She’s just the best sister ever.  I love her so much.  But I honestly don’t think a surrogate is my answer.  There is nothing showing that.   If I was having multiple miscarriages, that would be a different story.   Or if my tests came out odd, than maybe but there is nothing showing I can’t carry a baby and in some ways I guess thats comforting but its also frustrating to have no answers.  WIth my own eggs there was a reason because of my egg quality and with this donor cycle, maybe its just bad luck and I just have to wait for the right one.  That’s what I hope.  I felt better after talking to the Dr. for some reason. I’ve been just speculating things about myself and its nice to know that she believes I can get pregant and carry a baby and we just need to find that right embryo.  So I realized I don’t want to give up.  And no matter how hard tihs road has been, I want to keep fighting.  I just know right now I need a break and need to regain strength and find myself and recover from everything.  I know I want to find happiness with DH and I’m determined to.  I think this break will be good for us to concentrate on other things.  We have a couple of trips planned and my sister and her finacee are visiting at the end of the month and we are going away together.  And my mom is also visiting.  Than I think Dh and I are going to do a small trip at the end of June, we have some camping trips planned for the summer and than we have my sisters wedding.  And after that, we will try to do another FET cycle (so probably in September).   I know I’m incredibly blessed in so many other ways and I know some day some how, we will have our family.

I’ve also started to look into the adoption process a litte further.  I looked into this back in October before everything fell apart in my life and had received information packages already.  I just wanted to gather information about it.  Than all of that stopped when things fell apart and I’ve been focusing on our marriage.  But for the first time since dealing with infertility, I’m really really open up to the idea of adoption.  I know it doesn’t matter if its not genetically mine and I just want to be a mom.  I have to admit, it took me a long time to get here and for me to hit many rock bottoms and to recover from it, to even become open to the idea.  Anyways, I had narrowed it down to two agencies here and recently I talked to both of them about the process a little more.  I just heard that Canada can no longer adopt from the US because the US implemented the Hague Adoption Convention on April 1, 2008 which includes a complex set of rules to govern the process in that country.  I was told things may or may not change.  So we can either do domestic or intercountry.  With domestic the wait can be soon or it can be never and thats the hardest part.  We don’t have as many adoptions come up (just don’t have the volume like US) and its up to the birth mom to choose so sometimes you could be waiting forever.  Even with intercountry, it seems like the wait has become longer (some countries have a wait of 2 to 4 years) so that was a huge factor in deciding to start now.  I thought I would always try to have my own first and if the 2nd didn’t happen, I would eventually adopt.  But with the way the wait is going, I think it makes sense to start the adoption process now, hope for my 1st with my frozen embies and think about a 2nd with adoption (even if we start it now).  Who knows we may get lucky and the adoption could be sooner and if it is, its not the worst thing in the world to have two kids closer together. And my FET’s may not work and at least I started the adoption process and by that time, the wait will be a little less.  So I think I’m ready to start the process and I’m feeling excited about it. 

I have to ofcourse discuss this all with DH more and see how he feels.  We’ve talked about it a bit but this is more me again just all gung ho about things.  I want to make sure Dh is on board as well and want this to be OUR decision again.  So we’ll see.  He knows that I’ve gathered information on it and he’s open to the idea.  We have a lot to talk about this week and decide together.  But I feel like I have a plan and I’m feeling a lot better.  I’m excited about the upcoming events in my life and still believe that things will one day some how fall into place for me.. :)  

Thank you all for your support.  I’m feeling like a lot of people have given up on me lately.  I even gave up on myself so I don’t blame them but for those of you who have stuck by me, I want to say how much I appreciate it.   Thanks for sticking it out with me.  I may still have a long road ahead but I still have some fight left in me. 

Protected: Road to recovery May 5, 2008

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: Worst 48 hours April 27, 2008

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Its Official April 25, 2008

I didn’t want to keep you ladies waiting but it was a BFN.  I’m just numb.

I’m also still fighting a really nasty cold.  Last night I had a bad fever, threw up many times and have been coughing all night. Today I have a nasty sore throat and I can’t seem to stop coughing, I’ve lost my voice and still feeling very nauseous and just feel awful today.  Its a good thing I was sick because I’m not at work.  I’m almost too sick to feel anything. 

Thank you for your continued encouragement and support. 

Doesn’t Look Good April 24, 2008

I POAS’d this morning and it was a BFN.  Tomorrow is my beta but I don’t see the point in going.. its just going to tell me what I already know.  Honestly I don’t know what I was expecting but I’m numb.  Why is life so incredibly unfair?  I don’t feel like trying anymore because what is the point.  I know I still have more chances left but I’ve lost hope.  I lost hope a long time ago and this was somewhat of a formality.  I’m doing these FET’s because those embies are there.  But a part of me feels like I’m done, I can’t do this anymore.  Its just too hard.  I just feel like this is my fault some how. Why can’t my body get pregnant?  I think I might wait until the official beta to tell anyone.  I keep telling myself that it will happen but it just seems like it happens to everyone but me.  Luck just never seems to be on my side and I’m so tired of this crap. 

I’ve also seemed to have caught a nasty cold.  I seem to always get sick during my 2WW.  Its happened to me almost every single time.  I don’t know if my immune system is down but I always end up getting sick.  Do you think there is some sort of correlation?  I started feeling nauseous all day and than my throat started to hurt and my body felt all achey.  So I went to bed early.  I ended up throwing up last night and part of me thought it was a good sign but I knew deep down, it was just a cold symtpom.  I had bought a HPT (something I normally don’t do) and decided I’m going to test this time so I’m prepared for the beta.   I’m ok right now but I’m sure it will hit me later.  I felt such a sense of peace this time and wasn’t afraid to test.  Normally I’m terrified and why I wait for my beta.  But this time,  I just wanted to know either way.  I wasn’t sure if its because either way I knew I would be ok with it.  Maybe I am and this is the news I’ve come to expect.  If it had worked, it would have been a miracle and it would have completely shocked me.  A BFN is exactly what I expected.  So sad but its the truth.  I’m starting to accept the fact I may never ever get pregnant and carry a child.  I just don’t think its in my cards (and thats a really really hard reality for me to face).  I know I will be a mom somehow but maybe its not this way. 

The good news this time is I hardly told anyone about this cycle, so I don’t have to report the bad news to many people.  But the hard part is, I don’t have a lot of support.  I feel like I’m keeping this big thing from my friends and its such a hard burden to carry on my own.  But I’m glad I didn’t tell anyone because it didn’t work again.  I’m ashamed of how many transfers I’ve done and not one will stickfor me.  Now I just have to let my wonderful sister know (who I’m sure will be just as disappointed).  I hate what I put her through and I just can’t seem to have good news.  I don’t even really feel like going for my beta and having a nurse call me with bad news yet again.  I’m sure my file is so thick with all the cycles from my past and I can tell by their voice right away and I just feel like telling them this time, don’t bother calling me… I already know the answer.

I really want to start the adoption process (I just want to be a mom and move on) but I know DH is not ready for it.   He wasn’t even really ready for us to do another FET but we went ahead with it.   SO here I am again, stuck again in this awful place wondering if I will ever get to move on?

Blogversary and random thoughts April 21, 2008

Well its a little belated but I just passed my two year bloversary.  Last year, I completely missed it because I was in such a emotional state. By the time I realized it, I was already into May and it didn’t make sense to mention it anymore.   Its hard to believe I started this blog almost two years ago.  I first started just writing for myself as a place to vent and get my feelings out.  I didn’t write regularily or make connections with anyone yet.  I had hit my three year mark of TTC and only had a couple of IVF failures behind me.  I thought it was hard back than but I had no idea what was still ahead for me.   Than I had my very last failed IVF with my eggs last year and I started to write more frequently and started to connect with other bloggers.   I have to say this last year definitely has been our hardest year ever.  Having to grieve and face the loss of your own biological children and have your last attempt with your own eggs fail; having to watch my sister go through hell with her cycle and than to have my donor cycle fail; and than to go into a tail spin and have my marriage almost fall apart and see my husband go into his dark place; and to have my body physically shut down.  Its hard to look back and believe we survived all of that.  I wanted to also say thank you to all of your kind words, encouragement and support over this past year.  You have been by my side through the tougest year of my life.  Each and everyone of you have helped me get through my darkest times and carried me through it. 

Dh and I had a nice Sunday yesterday.  We went to the beach with our doggies and just sat down and talked.  I feel like we are falling in love all over again and I see a difference in DH these days.  He is more attentive and loving these days and I’m feeling more connected to him.  He stopped caring back in October (after our donor cycle failed) and I know he stopped caring about anything and he wasn’t handling his grief very well.   I had never felt so alone and lost because I had lost my rock.  And than when our marriage fell apart, I know Dh was lost and had given up inside.  These last few months have been a lot of healing, communicating, discovering who we are again after pretty much being dragged on this horrible roller coaster that has left us so damaged.   I finally see that we have slowly healed and see a positive change in us.  Dh sees it too and he’s happy where things our heading between us and I just hope this continues for us. 

I’m 11 days past transfer today ( I don’t know what day my embryo’s are) but I’m still feeling pretty calm and at peace. I’m enjoying having those two embies inside me as much as I can.  I can’t control what is going to happen so even if it is for two weeks, I want to acknowledge the two embies inside me and hope that they are in there.  Ofcourse I really want to be a mother and there is nothing more in the world I want than this to work so I can be a mother.  But most of all I want this to be the end of our hardship and pain.  Its what I want more. I don’t want anymore damage to our souls and hearts and I don’t want anymore damage to our marriage.  I just think Dh and I have been through enough.  We’ve suffered enough; we’ve cried and hard our hearts broken enough; we’ve survived enough and I just want it to be a start of happier times for us.  I just hope its our turn finally to have luck on our side.  I don’t want anymore tears of pain and hopelessness.  That is what I want more…… not so I can finally be mother but for this to work so we don’t have to suffer anymore.   So that we can finally move on and find the happiness we both deserve.

I still hate how unfair infertility is.  Remember that couple I told you about who is pregnant (who didn’t want kids).  Well we saw them this weekend and the wife got so irritated when some kids were making a little too much noise.  They weren’t screaming or miss behaving but just enjoying each other, talking and giggling a little too loud.  We were in a public place - not a quiet restaurant or somewhere where kids shouldn’t be and she just made this nasty comment about kids and how annoying they are.  An than joked… I don’t have much of a maternal instinct and laughed about it.  And she’s almost 3 months pregnant.  Life is just so unfair.  She’s not even excited about this child and it still makes me really sad.